


breed me/bread me

by Anonymous



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Bakery, Alternative Methods of Making Children, Bad Parenting, Breadfuck Counterworld, Crack, Cunnilingus, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 05:44:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17861438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Zeus is an innovator in the field of making babies and this may be his best try yet.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a thread on ffa titled “100 words of bakery AUs where they fuck on the counter and mix ingredients in the wet spot”. 
> 
> Please know that the author does not support the poor adherence to kitchen safety standards shown in this fic and strongly suggests you report this bakery worker’s actions to your local health inspector immediately once finished reading. Enjoy.

Zeus eats her out until her pussy is pouring like tequila at Mardis Gras onto the flour covered counter of the bakery she's been working in for the last few weeks.   
  
She pulls at his hair and squeezes his head between her thighs with more strength than she normally would with any other guy, but Zeus swears he's a god and bragged for so long about it she figures he can probably take a little pain even if he's batshit crazy.  
  
Her ass itches underneath her and she sends a silent prayer to any god that isn't the one between her legs that the flour the guy insisted on spreading out before he spread _her_ out was the gluten free kind. The last thing she needs is to get hives from a random hookup -- again.  
  
Zeus pulls away from her pussy and she groans with frustration, blinking her eyes open to see him prodding at the puddle of fluids she's gushed out with a critical gleam in his eye.  
  
"What the fuck are you doing?" she asks. "Get back to eating me out."  
  
Zeus hums. "No, I think I have enough."  
  
What.  
  
"What."  
  
Zeus slaps her thigh and stands up from his previous crouched position to pick her up and toss her away from the counter. She stumbles a little and watches incredulously as he opens the fridge and pulls out an egg that he then cracks right on top of her puddle of secretions.   
  
He grabs a bag of flour from the counter and pours a little more on top of the same spot and then begins to fold it all together with his bare hands.  
  
She barely notices that the flour is not, in fact, the gluten free kind.  
  
Instead, she lets out a small, confused, borderline hysterical little laugh. "No, seriously, what are you doing?"  
  
"I'm making a baby," Zeus says.  
  
She stares at him. He does not look like he's joking.  
  
"You're making a baby?"  
  
"Yup," Zeus pops the 'p' in the word. "I'm going to make the dough, knead it, and then I'm going to bake the baby in the oven until they're born. Do you have any honey, by the way? It would be nice to have a sweet kid for once, none of my others are really nice to me anymore and I think I'd like a change of pace with this one."  
  
It's not even the weirdest thing going on in...all of this but  
  
"Uh, how many kids do you have?" she asks anyway.  
  
"With my wife or with other mortal women?"   
  
Oh. Great.  
  
So he's crazy, a deadbeat dad, _and_ married.   
  
This guy is so not worth the hives on her ass.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A continuation.

The kid won’t stop crying and it makes her kinda feel like a dick but she ignores it.

She’s a little too busy scrolling through search results for local bakeries on her phone, jotting down their numbers so she can call them all later to ask if they’re hiring.

Yeah, she got fired from her last job. _No fucking shit_ she got fired. That’s what happens when you let some psycho who thinks he’s a god eat you out at work and then somehow bake a baby into existence out of flour and pussy juice.

She’d put the whole experience down to a bad batch of meth but the proof that it happened was fresh from the oven when her boss had walked in and found her and a naked guy and  _a baby in an oven_ and promptly fired her, screaming that he was calling the police until Zeus had gotten annoyed and like – electrocuted her boss.

Somehow.

From five feet away.

Her boss totally dropped and then Zeus had pulled the baby out of the oven – an actual fucking  _baby_ – and handed it to her and in the only moment of sanity she’d had since she met the guy in that Taco Bell parking lot,  she didn’t say a thing. 

And then Zeus had just...left. Disappeared into thin air and just fucking left her there holding the baby!

Unfortunately for her, her boss wasn’t dead and once he’d woken up not long after he stuck to the whole  _you’re fired I’m calling the cops_ thing and she’d hightailed her ass out of there like the hives spread all across it were driving her body.

Her ass still itches, by the way. 

That bakery job had come with insurance and she can’t go to a doctor now without it, just another of the many things about her life that suck right now, none of them suckier than the bread baby she now has full custody of whether she wants it or not.

The bread baby who literally poops French Toast cereal and pees pancake batter and who turns random objects into Italian loaves when he sticks them in his mouth.

Literally.

_Literally_ . 

And  _none_ of it is gluten-free.

The hives aren’t just on her ass now, they’re EVERYWHERE.

She has no clue how she’s going to get a job looking like this and it’s all Zeus’ fault.


End file.
